When the Sun sets...

Ever since you went out of my life giving me my much needed but unwanted freedom, things have never been the same again. I may not know what I want but I am sure that I don’t want peace of mind. There has been a palpable air of calm around me which is killing me by the minutes. 

I leave things around only to come back to find them there…

My choice of food has been limited because I can’t go about thinking menus I am not willing to and can’t prepare and you know how much I dislike eating outside.

I admit I never went out with you on so many occasions but I was always hopeful of coming home to you. I always knew drama will brew from your ever creative mind; be it a delight to behold or a dismal eyesore. The tension in the air when we mount our bed, only for it to eventually dissipate into thin air as we dip fingers into each other’s skin in an effort to please and be pleased. The magical love sessions that follow after these tense moments which has become a recipe to giving it our all and how it became a norm is all I’ve missed.

Perfect takes so much time and doesn’t work. In extreme situations, it even feels like a compulsion; a quest to changing the you I met and loved, the you that gave me a chance at companionship and love. 

Why is it very difficult to know people’s worth ahead of time while we still have them? I miss you so much.  

Nothing much has changed about me except that I hardly make use of the freedom I craved for. I no longer go out even though I don’t have to sneak out. I no longer go after other ladies even though it was a delight cheating on you. Maybe having them doesn’t come with the thrill anymore and I miss the escapades and the adrenaline that rushes when you confront me. 

Like I told you the night you slammed the door behind you and in my face, I won’t be dating any

longer in anticipation that you will walk back into my life again. I believed in you and miracles until that fateful night. The slaps and battering you meted out to me and the drama that erupted afterwards just took me by surprise and has ever since left me in shock but I am willing to believe in you once again. You are human, so let’s just say you erred by not giving your actions a thought.

I don’t want perfect, I want you. I want your incorrigible imperfect self. There is too much calm in my life which sometimes makes me feel like my life has been staged. Nothing makes sense anymore. Truth is I can’t seem to believe that you have also become one of life’s evanescence – because you were real.

You said I made you cry…

 But, no! You just stopped loving me because I know you cry for him too…

What is love if it does not thrive on pain?

Incidentally, I have also tried to move on from where you left me, but sadly memories will not leave me. They follow me everywhere, and I mean the ominous lurking bitch lingers everywhere I go and even lives with me.  You lied to me because you asked me to believe you. You even asked me to believe in you. You became my religion and literally made me worship you. You said we were always going to be here. You even said forever and this; I can’t distinguish any further because like I said, nothing makes sense anymore. All I know is both transcends into time.

If only I knew your time was bound…

Thoughts of your giving self in another man’s arms and your giggles that used to warm my heart… 

However, I’d like to categorically state that this communiqué is not a call to commune. It is just to serve as a reminder that you betrayed what we had that night you walked away. It is also to serve as a notice that I might be popping in from time to time to find out if you have finally found the happyness you set out to find.

I could say more but damn the present. I have to go now. 

Take care of yourself.

Jinni.

The Writer tweets @vilejah