The Undefined

After waiting for what seemed like forever, I was ushered into the spacious makeshift office that has been converted into a conference room for the purposes of the Interview that was underway. As would have been expected, I quickly observed the setup in the room. Three good looking gentlemen graced by two gorgeous women seated in-between in a semi circle fashion and were all dressed up in immaculate clothes as though the interview was about them. They were keenly observing me to probably find ways to end this session very early but I didn’t mind.

I looked beyond the one looking like God himself and saw at the far right a nice looking Coffee dispenser with some fanciful paper cups. At once, I knew I was going to sip some of whatever content that dispenser was housing. But Just before I could look around enough to acquaint myself, I was asked to have a seat to which I politely responded to with a thank you.

“We apologize for not starting on time, shall we begin now?”

“Yes please”

“Who are you?” 

“I am still working on it”

“Did you hear me right, Sir?”

“Yes, I did, Sir”

“So now, tell us who you are”

“Please, can I have some of that Coffee” I requested like a boss with a satisfied grin as they exchanged unpleasant looks.

What were they expecting me to say? 

 “Alright, where do you see yourself in five years?”

“Germany”

“I mean career wise”

“I just want to be in a position where I can help many people achieve their dreams and be useful everywhere I find myself” 

And even before we could start talking about my competence and eligibility for the job and position at stake, I knew right there and then that there was no work for me. The look on their faces confirmed to me that I was not in character and was so convinced these people had written me off. Nevertheless, one of them took a particular interest and liking to me and it was at this juncture he also ordered for a cup of the sweet coffee I was already sipping.

Dear Reader, at this juncture I pray do tell if you have any idea which answer will cut out, make me humble and eligible to the panel that has the power to change my stale career? 

Candidly, I appear foolish or rude when I am asked that question because I have grown tired of reciting my credentials as a Manager, a Systems Administrator, a Strategist, a Blogger et al. I don’t know if these attributes have actually ceased making me feel good but I am tired of trying to fit in with all these labels.

I can’t tell if I have just become ignorant or arrogant but the truth is I really don’t know what I am going to be in five years time and cannot be sure any longer. I have been planning myself into roles for God knows how long but none of what I am is what I have planned. Maybe, I did not pursue them enough or reality has its own rules. 

I realized I have been living a life of illusion my whole life, otherwise, how can a poor boy from the slums in Maamobi choose to be a Pilot even at age two? And interestingly through the years, I have been one thing or the other. I have been a Doctor, an Engineer, a Sailor and everything but an employed and a hustler. Now, I am just that random guy who wants to get by and as to why I have not given up yet is because the illusion keeps getting real.  Going through everyday believing in make believe. 

They say the world is a stage where men and women are supposed to be actors but interestingly, a

closer look at our lives depict otherwise. It reveals that most of us are only re-acting the act of others rather than acting. We don’t even have a storyline of our own let alone try to play the hero in the said story. It is good to admire and look up to people but it is important to note that each and everyone is telling a story that is so different from the other and must stick to their storyline, especially if they want to be heroes.

A hero can only exist in their own story.  Acting a hero in another's story requires you to overly read a script to acquaint yourself with a dreamlike character which is just like living the adulations of a hero who existed in his own story. To really act, a character must not be defined to play a role. A character needs to be undefined so that they can be anything they so wish in the story. They can choose to be the President, a Manager, a Golfer, a Banker, A pilot because it is their story and are the undefined characters trying to define themselves per their whims whereas the defined characters who perhaps have taken up a role cannot choose to be what they want because they may end up altering the carefully written script.

To act is to live by your own standards while re-acting is living by the standards of others. When you live by your standards which only comes from knowing your worth and do not allow yourself to be a walk over, you eventually become known for the things you stand for which incidentally becomes a storyline for those who dare not walk through their own storyline – the re-actors. The re-actors try to enact the storyline or the life of people they call heroes and just like any good actor; they allow themselves to daydream into a defined character by overly reading the scripts until the script begins to work on them - way before they even work on the script. 

 

Day in and day out, I am almost getting convinced that I am no more cut for the corporate world. Aside the prospects, I am no more willing to work with so many people especially where roles would have to be assigned and overly supervised. Maybe, I am dementing but I have come to realize that I am more willing to live a day at a time rather than a life of thorough planning and trying to fit in. I want to be the hero, the writer, the teller, the plot – just everything about the story. And even though this is conflicting, I have also come to realize that no hero was ever made without overcoming conflicts. 

When people do not follow conventions, cramp their identity and self-esteem to fit in, go about their activities with an air of audacity and conviction and do not go about seeking people’s approval to validate their existence, they are labeled as too-knowing, but who am I really?

I am a work in progress and still working on me.

I am anything. Everything.

I am Undefined!

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The writer tweets @vilejah