The Build-up #TheCross#

“What if I don’t feel bad?’

“It’s your life, do what you want to do with it, the world is watching”

“I’m sure, we can figure something out”

“That was easier said but honestly, I’m losing it and fast”

“We can always fix everything by sheer will”

“This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard”

“Then, you are not hearing what I’m saying”

“Sefakor! Sometimes there’s just no way, get with the program”

He was ready to make it work but it was not working. Maybe the love theory is based on compromise. Compromise is intangible and relatively subjective. He was willing to totally give in and that will be his measure of compromise. He wouldn’t have to worry living with the guilt of shedding off his identity, hanging on his head like the sword of Damocles. He had no identity to start with, so there was nothing to fight for. He was yet to create one with her, and that’s what he’s been up to. It was his decision to make; it was his to determine when much was too much. It’s his decision to make and that is how willing he was to compromise; in fact, only that much cooperation can make him feel good. Make believe was a commonplace in his life. 

He always looked at relationship from his perspective without considering other factors. He oversimplified it and made it sound so easy. His premises are always on point but they sound funny because they don’t apply in the world he finds himself in; maybe it was only feasible in his Utopia.

He doesn’t want to learn the ways of the world, being normal is overrated. He simply wants to be able to do whatever he wishes to do. It is the soul that yearns for things and it is just right and appropriate that the soul gets what it wants and anything short of that is not living, it’s merely an existence. And in a bid to live, he has to pursue what he wants and even overtake himself.

With him, every road led to his destination since he’s not privy to the blue-print governing and guiding his life. Thinking about an alternative was wishful thinking, something that has never worked. It’s usually the basis for asking the what if question, which also happens to be the most dangerous question one can indulge in. Just like anyone, he was continually faced with choices and to the best of his knowledge; he made the most rational choices. It couldn’t get better since he was not the only one in the struggle. People do not decide to get bored; they just get bored, so he had no business having a purpose in life, after all every road led to his destination; his destiny.

He did not plan to love because it was just bound to happen. You cannot plan to meet your wife at the mall, in school or at church or on your way to work, at most you will meet a lot of women and men but zeroing in on one doesn’t come with planning. He did not have a checklist, nothing to tick off but he was right about her when they met. Checklist was for the weirdos; the ones with one kind of psychological disorder, outlining their turn-offs and turn-ons and what appealed to them even before going out of the four corners of their rooms. Well, you can never get the picture that way.

Nobody plans where and who to love but how to love was entirely one’s own business and he was keen on growing the enterprise; the only woman who loved him without asking what he was, the only woman who loved him without conditions. Even if there were conditions, they’ve not been spelt out yet. He wanted to see himself work at this relationship because Sefakor meant the world to her even though she came with her flaws. She was practically the only friend he had, the only one who listens to him through and the only one he allowed into his world.

Developments in the last few months was coming between them and breaking them apart faster than a fall off from a cliff. He tries to think about how it all began but all the time, his thoughts gets derailed into what they have been, could be and what the reality actually is. He was afraid of becoming a Captain of an empty ship again because he could tell from the shadows on the wall that the sun was setting. Setting and leaving behind long trails of shadows and the thought of it alone breaks his heart.

His life, he could ruin but he could not bear to ruin the life of another person, let alone Sefakor’s. He did not want to see them apart so he says the right things to her, and does anything she wants and that made them a perfect couple most of the times.

Hitherto Sefakor stepping on the scene and sweeping him off his feet, he kept a lot of sex magazines in his drawer which he watched from time to time. He fantasizes about them pulling down their panties and lying in his bed or the couch but they never do. He sometimes went to the sex joints where he satisfied his ludicrous desire but now, he was a man above all kinds of sexual temptations. His sexual proclivity could be described as a progressive one; from gentle and tender to rough and tough because he had to break off from the bad habit and transit into having real sex even though they like to dignify it by referring to it as love making.

His world now revolves around her and no one else. All other women have lost this sex appeal. She wasn’t the sweetest girl in the world but if it comes to a long term affair, you don’t need the sweetest person. You need someone who sways between sweet and affliction. She was very unpredictable and the unchained type that makes his adrenaline rush. How else can he survive it if it was blissful, simple and above all monotonous and nothing and everything to expect at the unexpected time?  And that was how come he knew they were meant to be.  They were different sides to one coin, each complimenting the other.

They both knew that being in an intense relationship does not necessarily mean they were in love. Sometimes, it’s just because they can’t keep their hands off each other. Sometimes, he wishes to give an excuse and walk away or give her a chance to see other people but he knew her destiny was kind of bound to Sefakor and he was going to do it right somehow. 

Kenai has been reading about women since he realized their relationship was falling on rocks and has come to conclusion that he’s gotten Sefakor figured out but it was still not working per his expectations. He didn’t know where he was headed to, maybe he has an idea but he is cork sure what he was running away from and was not willing to even slowdown. He sometimes wishes life was really a game so that all he could do was to press the reset button but he had no such option here. His life was getting upheaved.